Friday, March 11, 2016

Some bad advice for new counselors



She finished telling her story and pause to take another tissues to dry her eyes. The tears were still coming, but the sobs had ceased. Her face had the serene look one gets after a good cry and I could see she had gotten what she needed. "It's nice" she said "to have someone neutral to talk to."

"Thank you " I replied, "but I want to make one thing clear. I am not neutral. I am your counselor, I work for you, I advocate for you, it is your wellbeing I'm concerned about, so while I may be able to offer some perspective on these situations because I'm not in the middle of them, don't mistake that for being neutral. I'm on your side."

-the best counselor in the history of addiction (2016)


You can't let it get to you...
You got to have a thick skin...
You can't take it personally...
You can't get attached...
You can't bring it home with you...
You can't be too sensitive...
you can't let your feelings get in the way...

...if you're going to survive at this job.

It would surprise me to hear a new counselor say they never got this kind of advice. It would surprise me if they made it to the end of their first day of internship without hearing some combination of the above. Though the words may very slightly the message is always the same, you need to harden your heart, hide your true feelings, and is usually followed up with something about consistency and enforcing the rules. This is often delivered with a Dirty Harry voice and a far off stare. I often wonder if they think they are the first person to ever tell me something like this or how they would mistake this cliché for hard won wisdom. This are the people who will ask "what kind of message are we sending?" but rarely question if a policy or procedure is good for the client. I'm going to offer my rebuttal to the first and the last of this bad advice, if you ever want to see a condescending shake of the head, share this with Dirty Harry.

You can't let it get to you if you're going to survive in this job

To this I say, it is going to get to you, so make peace with it. 

"It" in this case can be a number of things. The mother of addiction is trauma and if the clients you work with didn't experience trauma before they started using, it happened soon after. I dare say most will have some combination of both, and some will come to you fresh from the abuse, and return to it at the end of the day. This should get to you. This is tragic. When a story affects you it's not because you are doing something wrong you are doing something right. By accepting this tragic and beautiful part of yourself you can seek support from a trusted colleague or supervisor. If on the other hand you pretend it doesn't affect you there is a risk you may get truly overwhelmed, this can lead you to cynicism and deny your clients the therapeutic connection they need to heal.

"It" may also be verbal abuse, unfounded or exaggerated  complaints to your supervisor, or some other behavior by your clients. Yes our clients come to us when their lives are out of control and yes sometimes they will lash out at you in an attempt to regain some control but it is okay that this hurts your feelings. You are rarely what the client is really angry at and sometimes these incidents can transform into powerful therapeutic moments. But if you don't leave yourself open to it, you may miss the opportunity. This job requires courage to do it right, and in this case it's the courage to be vulnerable.

"It" may be threats of violence. This is the line. Once it happens the therapeutic relationship is over and the the only ethical thing to do is sever professional contact. Don't try to bring it back under control, tell your supervisor and never meet with the client again. Ideally never speak to them again. This doesn't mean you must abandon them. It's fine to refer them to other services, after all they are still suffering and they still need help. It is also find to report the threats to the police. It may be they will have to find what help they can while locked up. It is important that your clients feel safe, but your safety is equally important. It is also okay to feel hurt, or angry, you may be sad about having to let them go, in this case you may want to pass their aftercare to someone else.

"It" may be death. I can almost say "it" will be death. Sometimes it won't be related to their addiction, but usually it is. It's okay to morn them, in fact, we owe it to them. Whether they were rock stars of recovery or the worst contrarian we were a part of each other's lives. Morn, heal, and get back to work. People need you.

You can't let your feelings get in the way if you're going to survive in this job

To this I reply, your feelings are the way. Dirty Harry thinks the clients will use your feelings to manipulate you he's right, you will be manipulated. But Dirty Harry will be manipulated too, the difference is he will be completely oblivious to this manipulation. 

I have been a sensitive person my entire life, and for the majority of that life I was told my feelings were a weakness, something to be ashamed of. Men aren't taught how to cope with feelings and I drank myself into addiction trying to deny mine. Now I realize my feelings are one of my greatest strengths both professionally and personally, they are what connect me to other people, they provide me with a rich and rewarding existence. The price of that is that sometimes I don't feel good. It's worth it. That's how I survive this job.


Ken

4 comments:

  1. Well said. Love this perspective.

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  2. Perfect. I cried with one of my clients today, over HIS pain, and I don't give a shit. Once I STOP caring, I'm done.

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    Replies
    1. It's ironic that we are so often pressured to deny our emotions as we try to teach our clients to accept and process theirs. Perhaps the next post will be "how counselors act like addicts."

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