Selling Storm Clouds and Linings

The opinions here are my own and may not reflect those of my employer or any educational institution I may be affiliated with.

4 months after my last drink was the day I decide to kill myself. I was having panic attacks daily, they weren't just uncomfortable, they were painful. I ended up in the ER with chest pains only to find out my heart was very healthy. The people at the AA meetings just talked about how great sobriety was. Every day someone got a new job or saved there current one, I was barely hanging on to mine. Every night I dreamed about drinking and every day I was terrified of relapse.... and everything else. I figured my wife was already making plans to leave me and who could blame her? My oldest child was openly hostile to me, my youngest would hate me soon enough. I had always been anxious but this was different. Before I could make it through the day knowing that once I got home it would all be alright. But now without my chemical vacations the pressure carried over from day to day and I knew for certain any day now it would crush me. I remember when it hit me that I couldn't continue living like that, and if I couldn't live I would have to.... I started making plans.

I composed a note and saved it in a secure file. When I was ready I would copy and paste it to an email and set it to send shortly after the deed was done. I would leave for work in the morning but instead go to a secluded spot in the woods. There I would hang myself. My note would contain directions on how to find me as well as the numbers of some psychologists that could help them with the trauma. But I couldn't do it to my wife and kids. I tried to find studies on children whose parents killed themselves. I couldn't find much but what I did find wasn't good. In the best case scenario the children were scarred. Many grew up blaming themselves. I couldn't do it to them. So if I couldn't die I would have to.... I started making plans.

I realized that I was going to survive my recovery. I continued to struggle with depression and anxiety (I still do) but it was different. Once I realized anxiety wasn't going to kill me, that I could continue breathing through the worst of it, continue walking, working, living, it never had the same power over me again. Looking at my life now I can definitely say it was worth it, but back then I didn't know.

-Ken 

I didn't tell anyone for years how close I came to attempting suicide. I didn't tell my counselors for fear they would have me committed, I didn't tell my wife because she might blame herself, and I've never even told my children that they saved my life that day. They don't read this blog so it's possible they will still never know. The experience didn't make me stronger it traumatized me and I still get a cold shiver when I think about it. The strength came later with a lot of time and a lot of help but at that time I believed that my life would never get better.

What I hope this dark little bit of over sharing brings to the conversation is some perspective. When we are dealing with a client who can't see how lucky they are, who can't see how good their life is, it might be that it's not. The client's experience of early sobriety may be very different from how it appears to us. So what do we do?

Telling the client that things will get better will be of limited use but we have to tell them. If they trust us enough it may keep them going. More importantly we need to realize/remember that recovery isn't just wonderful, it's also very hard. Having to sit with the feelings that you once so easily numbed is bad enough. The idea that you have to do it forever is overwhelming. What finely saved me was a counselor who made me feel safe enough that I shared my anxiety in group. She in turn referred me to an anxiety group which in turn changed my life. There are worse things that can happen to a client than to relapse, and while the silver lining is real we can't ignore the clouds.